Challenges, Exuberance and Joy: Meg and Emily's Story
by Brita Johnson
Photo credit: Shelby Brakken
For both Meg and Emily, being family is a closely-held value, and although same sex marriage wasn’t yet a legal possibility when they made their commitment to each other, making a family together felt like a given. It wasn’t a question of if they’d have children, rather a question of when.
Once the time was right - after finishing up graduate school for Emily and medical school for Meg, finding a fertility clinic that felt welcoming to the moms-to-be, and identifying the right sperm donor - the couple encountered other challenges they hadn’t expected. First, Emily was diagnosed with severe endometriosis. The possibility that she might not be able to get pregnant was “terrifying,” says Emily. With the compassion and partnership of their physician, however, they leaped that hurtle and conceived twins via IVF. Then, the loss of one of the twins 11 weeks into the pregnancy was devastating. Meg’s intense schedule as a medical resident meant each mom grieved more on her own than together.
Despite the challenges and grief, and once physically recovered from the loss, Emily loved being pregnant. She felt great, and was able to stay active, including walking up to 10 miles daily for her job. In fact, it was at work where the beginnings of labor snuck up on her…
Their daughter Samara arrived in a whirlwind of a birth, barely waiting until they arrived at the hospital to make her debut. Today, two years later, Samara is still a burst of exuberance and joy. With curiosity, humor, and lots of chatting, she keeps her Mama (Meg) and Ima (Emily) on their toes.
“She had that joyful presence right from the beginning,” says Emily, “she was alert, interactive - and never a sleepy baby, not even on Day 1.”
Sleep, along with nursing and Samara’s reflux, were a trifecta of interlinked challenges that colored the postpartum period. Until 4 months of age, Samara’s longest stretch of sleep was 3 hours - this was likely due to hunger as a result of a tongue tie and the discomfort of reflux. It was physically exhausting for the parents, and emotionally hard to see their daughter in pain; and it was hard for Meg to watch Emily struggle to maintain the nursing relationship that was so important to her and to their baby.
The impact of these challenges was different for each of the moms. Emily felt bonded to Samara immediately, and the days were full of sweet connection; however, she came to dread the nighttime, when exhaustion was at its peak. Meg struggled more with her nascent identity as a parent. “I assumed I’d bond quickly, but it took longer than I expected - and that was hard emotionally,” she says. “It’s different being a mother, but not the birth mother - it’s a fine line: you’re not the birth mother, but you’re not the father, either.”
For both moms, the postpartum stresses they experienced were also tied up with the stresses of Meg’s intense work schedule, which often kept her away from her family for six nights in a row. During those periods, Meg and Emily would schedule overnight doula care for the 4th of the 6 nights. “It made such a difference to know that respite was coming,” they remember. “We don’t know what we would have done without Bridgetown Baby.”
If there were a book about their story of becoming parents, Meg jokes, it might be called Sleep is For the Weak. Emily chimes in with a potential subtitle: Wide Eyes and Lots of Kisses.
Life feels different now: everyone in their household sleeps! Joys (and kisses) abound. There’s more room for Emily to be lighthearted in her parenting, and for Meg to bring some of the freerange fun she remembers from her childhood into Samara’s life.
Looking back, and musing on how becoming moms has changed each of them, Emily shares a personal mantra that came out of this experience: “I can do hard things. I hear that in my head now - I have a confidence I didn’t have before.” For Meg, it’s having developed both an awareness of her inclination to put other people’s needs before her own and a commitment to prioritizing her own needs as well.
These experiences will serve them well as they move ahead with growing their family in the future. Among the other learnings they’d like to share with moms (and dads) to-be, Meg offers, “You do so much to prepare for having a kid - work on the baby’s room, get diapers, all the tiny clothes… [the experiences we had] are the things you can’t really prepare for.” If you find yourself struggling, both moms say, reach out sooner rather than later to get support for your mental health. And hire a doula!