Setting Healthy Boundaries When You Have a New Baby

Photo: @brunoffalves5

“Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say ‘no’ when they need to, and when they say ‘yes,’ they mean it. They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.” - Brené Brown

When considering boundaries in interpersonal relationships, people often express dismay, guilt, and avoidance. They frequently cite concerns about hurting others’ feelings, not fulfilling social expectations, and feel shame about having their own needs. Many people consider boundaries as optional, rather than an endemic part of any relationship, and engage in a kind of subterfuge to quietly hold limits with others without ever really acknowledging them.

Boundaries are not only what we are keeping OUT, but are also a declaration of what we are keeping IN. When we listen to ourselves - to our own sweet needs, sensibilities, and instincts - we not only protect ourselves from things that feel harmful or overly taxing, we also preserve our energy and integrity and affirm our self worth. Boundaries also connect us with the resiliency and adaptability of others, and nurture healthy, sustainable relationships.

It can be helpful to remember that harm can be caused by saying “yes” when you mean “no.” Others can feel the resentment, confusion, and reticence that is associated with a false “yes,” which is frequently experienced as inauthentic, unkind, or unsupportive. Furthermore, avoiding small “no’s” can often lead to a large, explosive, and perhaps much more hurtful “no.” For example, if you are someone who really needs and values “alone time,” it can be a gift to your family if you clearly state that need - and your expectation that your family give you space during a specific part of your daily routine - rather than creating that space in a more harmful and disowned way through irritation or anger.

Setting boundaries in the postpartum period

The perinatal period is a time of tremendous upheaval for individuals, partnerships, families, and the systems and relationships that surround them. Expectations and roles need to accommodate these changes and find new rhythms. New parents or parents-to-be often feel confused by the shifts in their identities and relationships while also enduring monumental stress that make it difficult to skillfully communicate, manage, and maintain necessary boundaries.

This can be especially challenging in partnerships as parents adjust to the incredible demands of a new baby. It can be helpful to set aside a weekly time to check in about meeting each other’s needs and equitably dividing responsibilities. Start with a nonverbal coregulating activity (e.g., breathing back to back for 10 breaths; a short meditation or mindfulness activity; a short joint savasana; dancing together for one song). Focus the meeting on specific activities and tasks (instead of personal attributes or longstanding narratives that generally include always/never kinds of statements) to diffuse tension and allow space for creative solutions. Within that context, practice sharing expectations and limits directly, clearly, and consistently. Partners who are working to balance night feeding responsibilities might say, “This time feels more manageable for me if I can have a 4 hour uninterrupted period of sleep. Could you cover any needs the baby has from 10pm - 2 am?” (instead of, “I always get stuck covering nights and I’m sick of it. You’re on duty tonight!”).

When managing boundaries with extended family, friends, and other communities, it can be helpful to start by clarifying your own needs and values (e.g., needing to organize social obligations around your baby’s nap schedule). Directly communicate your limits and expectations, if possible *in advance of a potential conflict*, and in a nonjudgmental way. For example, “Holidays will be different for us now that we have a baby. It would work best for us to come for breakfast and gifts and to leave before nap time” (instead of avoiding the conversation altogether and feeling resentful that the event was planned when your baby typically naps).

Taking care of yourself

After taking that uncomfortable step of setting a limit, exhale through the discomfort and concern about the impact your boundaries have on others. Rest in compassionate awareness that we are all doing the best we can to balance our own personalities and sensibilities with those around us. Then move on - place your attention on the next task, conversation, or demand. That shift acknowledges that setting boundaries is a routine, expected thing to do. Notice and appreciate the deep satisfaction that comes with acknowledging and skillfully tending to yourself.

As you gain more skill in communicating your own boundaries, practice receiving others with grace and acceptance. When other people’s needs and limitations feel surprising or hurtful, it can be helpful to practice depersonalization (e.g., “this person’s need to end a social engagement at a particular time isn’t a reflection of how much they value our relationship, but instead a response to their own biorhythms”) and empathy (“how do I wish someone would respond to me when I express a need or limit?”). Cultivating normalcy and safety around these conversations supports both you and others in meeting and respecting each others’ needs, which in turn builds trust and stability in the relationship.

When you inevitably encounter someone who is not gracefully accepting or respecting your boundaries, remember the great words of Anne Lamotte: “‘No’ is a complete sentence.”

When setting a boundary, you do not need to repeatedly explain or defend yourself. Instead, communicate through your actions. You have the autonomy to determine what you allow into your space and where you put your time, energy, and resources. Calmly and consistently hold your limits through clear, brief, and repetitive communication (e.g., “Our family can come for breakfast and won’t be able to stay past 11:00”). Instead of centering on how others behave (“You never think about us when you plan things”), generate boundaries that are focused on your own behavior (“We’d love to spend time with you and will plan to do that from 8:30-11:00”).

We will always, in our own separateness, encounter and bounce up against the separateness of others. Bringing acceptance, and respect of both others *and yourself* to that process is a great gift to the world.

Amy Harris is a licensed psychologist in private practice focused on treating perinatal mood and anxiety disorders and people diagnosed with cancer. She is interested in the existential questions that arise in those liminal spaces and enjoys supporting her clients in finding meaning and growth through major life transitions.